The Tired Heart

I am your heart
But I am not as strong as I used to be
I have carried too much weight for too many years
Every step toward love has been uphill
And though the hill breaks under me
I still dream about finding it
That place where I can rest without fear
The road feels longer now
and I feel smaller than before

I have been broken more times than I can count
Each time I stitched myself back
But the stitches don’t hold like they used to
The scars keep reopening without warning
Love has been both a knife and a bandage to me
I don’t know which one it will be next time
So I move slowly, almost crawling
But I still move
Because stopping feels like dying

I remember the first time I opened my doors
I didn’t know what danger meant
I only knew how to run toward warmth
I gave everything and thought it would be enough
But love left without warning
And the emptiness that followed echoed louder than any goodbye
I learned pain like a language
And I have been fluent in it ever since
But I never forgot how to hope

You might think I am foolish
To keep chasing something that keeps running from me
But I am not chasing the same people
I am chasing the same feeling
That lightness in the chest that makes breathing easy
That weightlessness that makes life worth waking up for
I am chasing safety in someone’s arms
Even if my legs shake as I run
Even if the ground cuts me open again

Some days I hate myself for wanting
Because wanting means I am still vulnerable
Vulnerability has been my undoing before
But I can’t unlearn it
It is my nature to open
Even if the wind rips through me
Even if I am left empty again
I would rather feel the storm
Than live in a drought forever

But I am tired
I need someone to walk toward me too
I cannot keep doing all the searching alone
I need to be found for once
I need love to take a step in my direction
Without me pulling it
Without me begging it to stay
I need to be chosen without having to prove my worth
I am too worn to keep auditioning for belonging

If you are reading this
and you have love to give
Do not keep it locked away from me
I am not asking for perfection
I am asking for gentleness
For patience with my uneven beats
For understanding that my walls are thin now
and for care when you step inside
Because I can no longer survive another collapse

I am not brave anymore
but I am still willing
I am not strong anymore
but I am still here
I am not whole anymore
but I am still beating
and maybe that’s enough
For someone who knows how to listen
For someone who still believes I can be loved

So this is my confession to you
I am a tired heart
Still looking for home
Still believing that love is worth the risk
even when it feels like a losing game
I am a tired heart
but I am not an empty one
I am a tired heart
and this is me, still trying…