Written By Zee Frost
Oh, here we go again…
At times like this, when the battle feels lost within,
When the darkness in my heart overrides the light,
When hope evaporates and the panic sets in,
Driving me to the restroom floor, throwing up my guts again.
Will I survive this trial?
An internal war no one sees me fighting.
No one counts the scars or the injuries I’ve sustained,
Or the weight of these sleepless, endless nights.
Will I actually overcome it this time?
It feels impossible when I’m drowning in my own tears,
Gripping my chest, trembling in the dark
With panic and fear
Born purely from the frequency of my own mind
A relentless, bitter civil war
Between me and my thoughts.
The battlefield is built on self-doubt,
Undermining my achievements, erasing my gifts,
Comparing my timeline to everybody else’s growth,
And slipping slowly from the grip of gratitude.
It’s never intentional.
I try so hard to shake off this heavy, negative aura,
To break the hold of the thoughts trapping me here,
Locked away in a prison of my own mind.
Withdrawn from the outside world,
A place so deep that my favourite movies
And Taylor’s music couldn’t pull me back.
That was the moment I finally learned
What rock bottom feels like from within.
My family says all I need is to keep the faith,
To just “be strong” and let the positive thoughts in.
But it is never as easy as the words are spoken.
I stare at the ceiling one more night—
But this time, the thoughts turn dark, heavy, and dangerous.
Thoughts of ending it all that terrify even me.
Where is this coming from?
By 2:45 AM, my mind has mapped out a dozen different exits.
But I couldn’t. And I wouldn’t.
I will not let that hollow voice shatter my dreams.
The thought of haunting my loved ones with my absence
Scares me far more than the dark.
So I have decided to fight this battle with everything I have left.
I am still in the trenches, still pushing through.
Some days are lighter than others,
But I am certain of one thing:
I will make it through one more night again.
Felt